Soul Ties
As I was sitting at my desk at work today listening to a new song being performed by one of my favorite Old School Hip-Hop groups called A Tribe Called Quest (also known as ATCQ), I had a flashback of the 90's; which was a great era for music. Then I got to thinking about other groups in the 90's, such as Goodie Mob, Outkast, The Fugees,& Jodeci, which then sent me deeper into a Flashback mode. I started asking myself the following questions: Since it appears as though a lot of great music was released in 1998, where were you that year? What were you doing?
Oh boy...what did I ask those questions for? Immediately, I had opened "Pandora's Box", if you will; because all types of memories started flowing through my head, but the affect wasn't as strong as it used to be. One memory or season in particular had a huge impact on my life, which was my time as a college student at U.S.L. (University of Southwestern Louisiana), now called U of L (University of Louisiana at Lafayette) and a specific relationship I was in.
You see with me, music isn't just for listening pleasure. Music has always been more than that to me. I never just heard it, I FELT it. I embraced it, and throughout my twenties I allowed it to heavily flow in many areas of my life; which is why nowadays when I hear a certain song or songs play on the radio, I have to immediately change the station! That's because with me, certain songs invoke past memories, feelings, or experiences that I may not need to mentally revisit or rehash.
In a lot of ways, this invoking has much to do with something called Soul Ties, which are basically connections or deeply rooted bonds you've developed with someone or something in a specific time of your life; and many times these Soul Ties can be so strong that you can carry them with you even long after you thought you had moved on from that particular person, incident, or event. How does that happen you ask? Well, the keyword is "invoke". In many cases, all it takes is a snippet of a song or you just simply driving down a road that you have traveled many times before, and immediately your memory bank will "invoke" those past instances. Then there are other times when you can be minding your own business, chillin' at home, trying to get some sleep late at night, or just riding in your car...and BAM! A feeling comes over you that you try so hard to shake and block out of your mind, but for that moment...you can't. Sometimes it's like a storm, you have to just wait it out or try to occupy your time in other ways hoping it will distract or divert your mind away from those thoughts.
Another example of how strong those ties can be, is a personal experience of mine that I have not shared with very many people; but I'm going to share now because it lines up with the whole purpose of this Blog: to help others move forward and be the star(s) you were born to be! Plus, after sharing this personal experience, maybe it'll help you see how important it is to face certain situations head on instead of running from them, in order to indeed move forward in life. So, here it is...
As I stated earlier, I was a college student back in 1998. I was a young, tender, naive, sprung, & dickmatyzed, 22 year-old.
That relationship I was in lasted for almost 2 years, but ironically taught me a lot about myself. We actually started out as friends my first semester, which was the Spring of 1997. Then, when the Fall semester rolled around, our phone conversations changed. They began to go in a different direction, and grew deeper, which eventually led to more. For the sake of time and to not necessarily put all my business out here, I'll just say that we went through quite a few ups & downs in the relationship, and that there was always a strong sexual chemistry between us, which brings me back to my example...That chemistry was so strong that I could just close my eyes or even blink for a hot second and he would be on my mind and I'd instantly feel some type of way, regardless of where I was. I mean it was so strong that I could take R. Kelly's song "Body's Calling", literally. There were many times when I could literally feel or hear his body calling mine or he could hear mine, because at those moments one or both of us would be picking up the phone to call or beep the other....I kid you not!
Also, during that relationship, I would have either premonitions or it was my intuition kicking in, which in many cases were confirmed by his mother or one of his relatives. I won't go into the details of one of those premonitions, but I will say this...it felt so real, so much so that every time I had that premonition I'd have chest pains and would just feel sick to my stomach. So, after a long conversation with his mother one day, and after she confirmed the premonitions I was having...that was the straw that broke the camel's back! I was done....or so I thought.
Fast forward to 2011 & 2012...
By then I hadn't seen or heard from him in years, but from time to time he would run across my mind because of those Soul Ties I had mentioned earlier. So, for some strange reason in 2011 & 2012 he started popping up in my head more frequently. There were times when it just felt like my past was coming to haunt me. So, again, I did everything I could to try and distract myself and not allow my mind to even go there. However, since those thoughts & feelings only increased, I forced myself to sit down one day and seriously analyze everything, as well as try to get to the root of why I was experiencing such strong feelings of him calling my body and flooding my mind again. At the time, the only resolution I came to was to try and contact his mother to see what was going on; but I no longer had her contact information, because I had gotten rid of it, especially since I had moved on and got married in 2001. The funny thing about that is...he actually tried to contact me in 2002 by calling one of my friends' house, and she left a voice message for me saying that it was urgent that I call her. Come to find out, it wasn't an urgent message. It was just her telling me that my ex-boyfriend had called her house looking for me, and of course y'all know she was having a field day with that bit of news...talking about: ooh...he must miss you.....ooooh....girl.....
I wasn't trying to hear none of that at the time.
So back to 2011/2012....
Since I didn't have his mother's contact information anymore, I thought I'd search for her, him, and his sister on various social media platforms. I did searches like this for months, and nothing ever came up...until one day, I decided to Google his mother's name to see if she still lived in the same town, and sure enough she did; but I couldn't bring myself to actually pick up a phone and call after all those years. So then, a little voice told me to Google his name sometime in the Summer or Fall of 2012. I took heed to that voice and proceeded to Google his name and the city that he was from. What I saw next was gut-punching and jaw dropping!
At the top of the search results were the words "Obituary for ...". Part of me didn't want to click on the link, so I read the description of the link, which everything was a match to him. While my hands began to shake as I used the mouse to reluctantly click the link, I immediately said to myself, "Tell me this isn't him. Tell me this is someone else....please."
Sadly, it was indeed him. What was even sadder for me that day was reading the date he had died on. It was January 13, 2012...my birthday! So just imagine how all of this news made me feel at the time, knowing that throughout 2011 AND 2012 I felt a stronghold from him pulling on me! All kinds of thoughts ran through my head after reading that, like...all those times I felt him, was that his way of trying to reach out to me to say his final good-bye? Was there something important that he needed to tell me? Then I was curious as to how he died, since he was only 34 at the time of his death. So, I had to force myself to calm down and continue reading. Unfortunately, it just said that he had died of a brief illness at home. I wanted more. I needed more to go on. A brief illness could mean anything. So, without knowing how he died, time would go on and I'd still be curious.
One would think that everything would go back to normal and there would be no more feelings or tugs on the heart after finding out a person you loved for a moment in time had passed away; but that wasn't the case. For a few years after finding out about his death, I would get those strong, heart tuggings and flashbacks again. 2013-2015 weren't as strong as early 2016. I'm almost ashamed to say that as a married woman, in early 2016 I sort of felt haunted by him. So much so, there were times when I almost felt as though he was trying to speak to me through dreams or music. And now that I think about something, there were some words he'd speak almost every time we were intimate together: "This gon' always be mine, regardless of who you with. Even if we not together." Those were some powerful, authoratative words that I just chalked up to pillowtalk or just his ego speaking. I mean sure in the back of my mind I felt as though he would be the only guy I would indeed, ever slip up for if I'd move on to someone else, because I felt as though our chemistry was just that strong; but NEVER in my mind did I ever think it would also mean in his death!
(One of my favorite Goodie Mob songs - Released in 1998)
Oh boy...what did I ask those questions for? Immediately, I had opened "Pandora's Box", if you will; because all types of memories started flowing through my head, but the affect wasn't as strong as it used to be. One memory or season in particular had a huge impact on my life, which was my time as a college student at U.S.L. (University of Southwestern Louisiana), now called U of L (University of Louisiana at Lafayette) and a specific relationship I was in.
You see with me, music isn't just for listening pleasure. Music has always been more than that to me. I never just heard it, I FELT it. I embraced it, and throughout my twenties I allowed it to heavily flow in many areas of my life; which is why nowadays when I hear a certain song or songs play on the radio, I have to immediately change the station! That's because with me, certain songs invoke past memories, feelings, or experiences that I may not need to mentally revisit or rehash.
In a lot of ways, this invoking has much to do with something called Soul Ties, which are basically connections or deeply rooted bonds you've developed with someone or something in a specific time of your life; and many times these Soul Ties can be so strong that you can carry them with you even long after you thought you had moved on from that particular person, incident, or event. How does that happen you ask? Well, the keyword is "invoke". In many cases, all it takes is a snippet of a song or you just simply driving down a road that you have traveled many times before, and immediately your memory bank will "invoke" those past instances. Then there are other times when you can be minding your own business, chillin' at home, trying to get some sleep late at night, or just riding in your car...and BAM! A feeling comes over you that you try so hard to shake and block out of your mind, but for that moment...you can't. Sometimes it's like a storm, you have to just wait it out or try to occupy your time in other ways hoping it will distract or divert your mind away from those thoughts.
Another example of how strong those ties can be, is a personal experience of mine that I have not shared with very many people; but I'm going to share now because it lines up with the whole purpose of this Blog: to help others move forward and be the star(s) you were born to be! Plus, after sharing this personal experience, maybe it'll help you see how important it is to face certain situations head on instead of running from them, in order to indeed move forward in life. So, here it is...
As I stated earlier, I was a college student back in 1998. I was a young, tender, naive, sprung, & dickmatyzed, 22 year-old.
Also, during that relationship, I would have either premonitions or it was my intuition kicking in, which in many cases were confirmed by his mother or one of his relatives. I won't go into the details of one of those premonitions, but I will say this...it felt so real, so much so that every time I had that premonition I'd have chest pains and would just feel sick to my stomach. So, after a long conversation with his mother one day, and after she confirmed the premonitions I was having...that was the straw that broke the camel's back! I was done....or so I thought.
Fast forward to 2011 & 2012...
By then I hadn't seen or heard from him in years, but from time to time he would run across my mind because of those Soul Ties I had mentioned earlier. So, for some strange reason in 2011 & 2012 he started popping up in my head more frequently. There were times when it just felt like my past was coming to haunt me. So, again, I did everything I could to try and distract myself and not allow my mind to even go there. However, since those thoughts & feelings only increased, I forced myself to sit down one day and seriously analyze everything, as well as try to get to the root of why I was experiencing such strong feelings of him calling my body and flooding my mind again. At the time, the only resolution I came to was to try and contact his mother to see what was going on; but I no longer had her contact information, because I had gotten rid of it, especially since I had moved on and got married in 2001. The funny thing about that is...he actually tried to contact me in 2002 by calling one of my friends' house, and she left a voice message for me saying that it was urgent that I call her. Come to find out, it wasn't an urgent message. It was just her telling me that my ex-boyfriend had called her house looking for me, and of course y'all know she was having a field day with that bit of news...talking about: ooh...he must miss you.....ooooh....girl.....
I wasn't trying to hear none of that at the time.
So back to 2011/2012....
Since I didn't have his mother's contact information anymore, I thought I'd search for her, him, and his sister on various social media platforms. I did searches like this for months, and nothing ever came up...until one day, I decided to Google his mother's name to see if she still lived in the same town, and sure enough she did; but I couldn't bring myself to actually pick up a phone and call after all those years. So then, a little voice told me to Google his name sometime in the Summer or Fall of 2012. I took heed to that voice and proceeded to Google his name and the city that he was from. What I saw next was gut-punching and jaw dropping!
At the top of the search results were the words "Obituary for ...". Part of me didn't want to click on the link, so I read the description of the link, which everything was a match to him. While my hands began to shake as I used the mouse to reluctantly click the link, I immediately said to myself, "Tell me this isn't him. Tell me this is someone else....please."
Sadly, it was indeed him. What was even sadder for me that day was reading the date he had died on. It was January 13, 2012...my birthday! So just imagine how all of this news made me feel at the time, knowing that throughout 2011 AND 2012 I felt a stronghold from him pulling on me! All kinds of thoughts ran through my head after reading that, like...all those times I felt him, was that his way of trying to reach out to me to say his final good-bye? Was there something important that he needed to tell me? Then I was curious as to how he died, since he was only 34 at the time of his death. So, I had to force myself to calm down and continue reading. Unfortunately, it just said that he had died of a brief illness at home. I wanted more. I needed more to go on. A brief illness could mean anything. So, without knowing how he died, time would go on and I'd still be curious.
One would think that everything would go back to normal and there would be no more feelings or tugs on the heart after finding out a person you loved for a moment in time had passed away; but that wasn't the case. For a few years after finding out about his death, I would get those strong, heart tuggings and flashbacks again. 2013-2015 weren't as strong as early 2016. I'm almost ashamed to say that as a married woman, in early 2016 I sort of felt haunted by him. So much so, there were times when I almost felt as though he was trying to speak to me through dreams or music. And now that I think about something, there were some words he'd speak almost every time we were intimate together: "This gon' always be mine, regardless of who you with. Even if we not together." Those were some powerful, authoratative words that I just chalked up to pillowtalk or just his ego speaking. I mean sure in the back of my mind I felt as though he would be the only guy I would indeed, ever slip up for if I'd move on to someone else, because I felt as though our chemistry was just that strong; but NEVER in my mind did I ever think it would also mean in his death!
One night it had to be like 2 in the morning, and I felt such heaviness come over me, as if his presence was pulling on my heart again that I couldn't sleep. All I could do was lay there and let the tears fall from my eyes and pray. When I started having more nights like this, I had to do something! I know all of this must make me sound crazy, but I'm not. These were real experiences for me.
I remembered the obituary having his sister's married name in it. So, I used that to locate her on Facebook. I sent her a message. Can y'all imagine how awkward that moment had to be for both of us? But it had to be done, in order for me to get some sort of closure, release, or peace about the situation.
Once she provided me with a little bit more information, I thought I would be okay and I could go back to normal and peaceful nights of sleep. Nope. That didn't happen. Well, at least some nights it didn't. So, after one night of tossing and turning, the next morning while at work, it was like his presence was standing near me; because I found myself tearing up again. Immediately, I went into the restroom and said a silent prayer, pulled myself together and said, "Enough is enough!" When I said that, I heard a little voice say, "Let me go. Write him a letter as if he were physically alive today, explaining how you have loved him in spite of everything, but how you have moved on and that he must 'Let you go'; and how you have to let him go. Then burn the letter."
So, that same day I literally wrote him a 4 Page letter, pouring out all of my feelings, emotions, disappointments, and past hurts and heartaches from him. My last words to him were: "I have a family now, please...let me go."
And as soon as I started folding the pages of that letter to prepare it to be burned, I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders. Needless to say, my nights became more restful.
In closing, I leave you with a brief poem that explains a glimpse into that Great year of '98, and also remember that Soul Ties are very real. If you do not confront and resolve the issue, it can and will haunt you and hinder you from moving forward.
I remembered the obituary having his sister's married name in it. So, I used that to locate her on Facebook. I sent her a message. Can y'all imagine how awkward that moment had to be for both of us? But it had to be done, in order for me to get some sort of closure, release, or peace about the situation.
Once she provided me with a little bit more information, I thought I would be okay and I could go back to normal and peaceful nights of sleep. Nope. That didn't happen. Well, at least some nights it didn't. So, after one night of tossing and turning, the next morning while at work, it was like his presence was standing near me; because I found myself tearing up again. Immediately, I went into the restroom and said a silent prayer, pulled myself together and said, "Enough is enough!" When I said that, I heard a little voice say, "Let me go. Write him a letter as if he were physically alive today, explaining how you have loved him in spite of everything, but how you have moved on and that he must 'Let you go'; and how you have to let him go. Then burn the letter."
So, that same day I literally wrote him a 4 Page letter, pouring out all of my feelings, emotions, disappointments, and past hurts and heartaches from him. My last words to him were: "I have a family now, please...let me go."
And as soon as I started folding the pages of that letter to prepare it to be burned, I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders. Needless to say, my nights became more restful.
In closing, I leave you with a brief poem that explains a glimpse into that Great year of '98, and also remember that Soul Ties are very real. If you do not confront and resolve the issue, it can and will haunt you and hinder you from moving forward.
The Great Fiend of '98
Why was '98 so great?
Was it because I knew how to make his beautiful nature rise?
Was it because he knew how to bite a thigh?
Was it because Goodie Mob had me on a natural high?
That year I was young, naive, and ever so dickmatyzed!
Rollin', Drivin', & Ridin'
Back & Forth
Forth & Back
Up & Down
In & Out
I had so many Greyhound miles
from New Orleans to Franklin to Lafayette...
All smiles
Until I realized...
The miles on my body were catching up to the miles on that bus!
That thing called lust...
Had me feenin', dickmatyzed, & lookin' for the next bus!
Comments
Peace & Blessings my brotha!