God's Appointed Time (Testimonial) P2

So after the divorce, it took me a little while before dating again.  I was at point in my life where I had become bitter, angry, snappy, and somewhat broken. It took a relative to mention my attitude for me to seriously start my healing process.

I started spending more time alone, writing, and in the presence of God.  It was a process I had to go through in order to release some things from my life.  Gradually I became less bitter and less angry.  It became more of a process for me to relearn who I was as an individual as well as what I truly wanted. In doing so, walls began to fall; walls I had placed up to block, defend, and protect myself from anymore hurt, pain, and disappointment.  They'd begin to fall because I had learned the importance of putting my complete trust in God more and less in man.  I had to learn how to change my perspective on love, relationships, and expectancy, because too many times my expectations were far too idealistic.  Although I am still a work in progress when it comes to ideals, I have definitely made some improvements.

Once the walls began to fall, laying it all on the altar before Him; I gained clarity, peace of mind, and a renewed heart.

So eventually I met some new people and went on a few dates.  However, it wasn't until I decided to cut off all ties to the guys I'd been dating and got more specific about what I wanted in a mate.

When I met him, he was also divorced. So, that was one thing we had in common.  He also had a sense of humor, which I loved...still do.
More than anything, over time I've learned the importance of being best friends with your partner.  I say partner, because I believe relationships should indeed be a partnership.  Over time, this man has definitely proven that, which is another thing that I love about him. He had me from the start when he said these words to me: "I got you.  I got your back."

There were many relationships that I had been in where they guy would say what he was going to do, but his actions said something else. Well, not with this man. From the very beginning, he has backed up his words with action. He is a man of his word, and he has definitely had my back so many times. So much so that it's gotten to the point where he knows what I'm thinking at times.  For example:  I could be driving home thinking about something specific to eat, and he'll call and mention the very thing I was thinking.  There's also times when we'll finish each other's sentences, which still amazes me.

He's caring, thoughtful, and very considerate! There's not a selfish bone in his body. If I need it, he finds a way to get it. I can truly say that I have finally found a man who loves just as strongly as I do, and doesn't mind going out of their way to contribute to the other person's happiness.

Although we had previously talked about marriage for 2014 and waiting to have a child, those plans have been altered; as I am now seven months pregnant.

Considering how many times I had tried to get pregnant in my twenties with a previous boyfriend or with my ex-husband and no success, I eventually came to the conclusion that maybe I couldn't have kids.  So, just out of curiosity, back in 2011, I decided to ask my doctor about testing to find out for sure if I could have kids or not.  She referred me to a fertility specialist.  The specialist had me to take a few x-rays to determine if there was any scarring, which could ultimately hinder conception. Well, to my surprise, he said everything was fine. So, he cleared up my thoughts of infertility.

The specialist then told me that the next step would be to test the sperm count of my partner or the possible, future father.  Well, at that time, I had no potential father for a child. I was just getting the test done for assurance and/or clarity for when I did meet my next potential husband.  I felt as though he'd have the right to know if I could bare his children or not.

Then the specialist mentioned another method of conception, fertility treatments.  I was and still am not a fan of fertility treatments.  However, I am not knocking anyone else who wishes to do so. It's just that I've always strongly believed that if it's meant for me to have kids, then God would allow it. I never wanted to interfere with God's timing or purpose of the gift of life.

So, I guess one could say that my faith or belief in God being the life-giver has truly manifested with this pregnancy.

Part of me felt guilty when I found out I was pregnant, guilty because of the fact that I wasn't married and guilty because in some ways I felt as though I had let myself down by becoming the very statistic I had always vowed NOT to become:  another SBM (Single, Black, Mother) or Baby Momma!

However, I overcame that guilt by the reassurance of family and friends, as they've been supportive thus far. Actually, I think they've been more excited than me, especially my soon to be hubby. They all kept telling me not to feel guilty or disappointed because I'm older, wiser, and more mature now; and for me of all people to be pregnant MUST be in God's plans.  He allowed it for some reason, so just embrace it.

So, that's exactly what I'm doing...embracing and accepting God's timing and plan for my life.